By the book
by Skittle-Scattle
Summary: Kratos is given up by his family to save his kingdom. Unfortunately, he's forced to play the role of princess in distress.
1. Lesson 1 Politeness

_Once upon a time, there was once a mighty King and his newly wed beautiful Queen._

_A few months later, they found out the Queen was due to bear a child._

_Excited by the news, our Lord consulted a prophet to fore-tell the child's future._

_"I sense..." the ancient prophet said. "That this child will marry into a rich and powerful family."_

_"MARRY?!" Both the King and Queen yelled, they were going to have a useless daughter._

_"Wait!" the man cried. "This child will not only marry into a powerful family, but in a family that will stop at nothing to destroy you, your Majesty."_

_"/GASP!/" the Queen placed a hand on her swollen belly._

_"Then," the King started. "We shall kill the baby when it's born."_

_"No!" cried the prophet. "Martel will curse your Majesty's lands should your Highness spill blood as innocent as a newborn's!!"_

_"I see," the King nodded. "Thank-you for your time." our Lord thought over the words the prophet had advised._

_"Thank-you," the old prophet murmured, smiling gently at our King._

_So, in order to prevent destruction upon their lands, they formulated a plan._

_When the child was delivered a few months later, a knight wrapped the baby up in blankets and rode his steed to an enchanted forest._

_The knight fought monsters and dragons and safely exchanged the baby with a forgiving wizard and thus saved the kingdom from destruction._

_The E--_

"Fucking bull shit," a man's voice cursed.

The book was angrily thrown against a stone wall, some pages tearing out as it cluttered on the floor.

The man gathered his skirts and stood up off of his luxurious bed, his heels clip-clopping on the stone floor as he moved to his small stove with a tea-kettle screaming.

He picked the pot and poured the amber liquid into a small flower painted tea cup on a saucer that Lloyd had found on a "Shiny-Sparkle-Steal-Insane-Scavenger-Hunt." Sugar was soon spooned in and stirred not long after. A few taps on the rim of the floral cup and then the silver lacquered spoon was placed on the small table next to the stove.

The man took light, well-trained sips, preventing his lips from being burnt.

He gave a content sigh.

The room he was in was decorated highly with paintings he made, tapestries of nature and animals, covering most of the stone walls. Actually, almost everything was made from stone except the glass less window and wooden boards.

He sat back the bed with all the grace and poise of a princess.

"Kratos!" a tiny voice chirped to him. "I found something new you can read!" A red and white songbird the size of a small mouse flew in through the window; a red book fell in front of Kratos' slipper-covered feet.

He picked it up. _The Brilliant Tailor,_ the title read.

"Thank-you, Lloyd," Kratos smiled at the bird as it perched itself on one of his balloon sized sleeves.

"This is a new one," Lloyd sang, hopping around his shoulders to the other balloon sleeve. "When did he get this dress?"

"Just a few days ago," the auburn lifted up the tea-cup up to his lips. "I still don't see why he can't just get me regular clothes."

"Because you're a princess!!!" Lloyd screeched.

"No," The dress-wearing man took a gulp, not minding the burning. "I'm a prince, so I should wear what a prince should wear."

"But that's not by the book!" The animal yelled in its chirpy voice. "You were given up by the king and queen of Tethe'alla in princess form! Besides, Yggdrasill's too stupi--!"

"What?" Yggdrasill tapped a finger on the stone wall. He was floating near the window, a whole three hundred and something-or-other stories high. He hovered in, his white and gold shoes making a small _click!_ sound.

"Gotta go! Later!" Lloyd flew off and screeched, "Fucktard, Yggdrasill!"

Yggdrasill pulled a chunk of shadow and molded it into a raven shape, "Eat Lloyd." The black bird took to the skies and drive-bombed for the small chirping bird. "AHHHHHH!!!"

"What do you want?" The auburn glared at the wizard.

"Oh, nothing." The white spandex wearing man looked at his nails with fake interest. "Do you know what day it is?"

"..." The human thought for a moment. "...The day...The Great Kharlan War started nearly five years ago?" He had only heard about it from the small tid-bits Lloyd would tell him but never provided enough information to tell him what it was about.

"Ding-ding-ding!" Yggdrasill clapped his hands. "And because I'm a Necromancer..."

"...You're in a good mood because there are a lot of dead soldiers for you to defile their corpses sexually?"

"Yes, yes, y--" The wizard stopped himself and glared at the dress-wearer. "Oh, I just got that. Ha, ha, very funny."

"Yes it was!" The song bird chirped with pride, standing atop the shadow's figure on the stone ledge.

Yggdrasill swatted for it, but missed the creature. "Well, anyways, since this is a special occasion, I thought I'd be nice and get you something." A small box wrapped up in white paper appeared in front of the princess-dresser. "I spoil you."

Kratos took the box and stared at it for a moment, "No you don't."

"Well, you know what they say," Yggdrasill floated out the window, turning transparent. "Spare the rod, spoil the child." And disappeared in, literally, thin air.

"I thought you only use that provable meaning when you're reprimanding a small child?" The auburn looked at the itty-bitty bird that was pecking at the dead raven.

"I told you he was a moron." It ruffled its red, white, flight feathers and crown of spiked brown feathers.

"Very, very true." And pulled off the paper to revel...

A purple dress.

"...At least he remembered purple was my favorite color," The rosewood sighed.

"Take it out, take it out!" Lloyd hopped on his twiggy legs, wings spread out. "Maybe there's something shiny!!"

The human pulled out the dress. It was an "A" line. A Devil's Tongue purple was the main cloth, lavender frills lined the dress, a corset-like mid-section made from the same lavender with twin periwinkle-purple leather belts, polished to diamond standards with bright golden belt-buckles. The dress seemed to be bell shaped, the lower half of it having the most abundant material where as the upper torso made the "handle" shape. The sleeves of the dress reached probably somewhere close to the bend of the prince's elbows. He turned the dress around to see the back and saw the corset strings were made from black silk.

"There's no shiny!" Lloyd cried.

"The belts..."

"SHINY!!!" The song bird tried to tug off the gold.

---

The Prince of Sylvarant walked down the arched, gothic ceiling of the stone castle. He touched one of the suits of armor that where placed down every hall and corridor. He was wearing the butler's black and white clothing. His mother would freak out if he was caught.

"THE PRINCE! THE PRINCE!" A servant cried out, the prince dashing down the halls at the cry.

White Knights thundered down the hall, the prince was at it again...

A pink and purple unicorn neighed loudly as its rider tugged on its reigns, trying to steer it down the wide halls. Servants flooded in from the many doors in an attempt to surround their young royalty. Landry women formed a formidable wall of flesh, smell of the soap they use filled the room and strong arms ready to subdue the prince, should he struggle.

"PRINCE!" A tiny pink bird with orange flight and plume feathers cried out from one of the open French windows. He jumped out the window, screams from the frightened servants and knights almost blew out his ear drums.

The pink bird quickly transform into a human with flowing red hair, blue eyes that put the sky to shame, and breath-visible, crystal-orange wings. He was dressed up in a white robe with so much drapeage it would have made Madame Gres seem amateur-ish. His silky arms grabbed the prince and his powerful wings easily let him soar through the sky, the castle quickly losing size.

Once they passed the Hikonoseki Point, the bird/human thought it safe enough and let go of the prince. The young man let himself free fall for a while, releasing his own (unfortunately) crystal-pink wings.

"You're getting better, Yuan," The red-head angel commented, swooping down flying at the same height as the blunet.

"Sure." The meadow-eyed man plucked up some of the wild flowers, hand skimming over the water in the stream near by. "So what did you want to show me, Zelos?"

Zelos looked at the Prince of Sylvarant. "You know of the tallest tower on the Holy Ground of Kharlan?"

Green eyes looked at the mischievous angel, "...Here or...?"

"Tethe'alla."

Yuan nodded.

"Have you ever wanted to go there?"

* * *

Yeaaaaaaaah...Another experimentation story...I think it's better then Hyperthermia because I actually want to write this. But if I do write this then I'll have to make it short and not drag it out. Maybe three to five chapters.

Yuzu: But what's wrong with Hyperthermia? You have a good story base line, a good reasoning to most of the things that go on, and even if it does involve--

NBUEOSGY8OUDY89RTU!!!

Yuzu: ...That will never--

OPYTIHBUDYHJKSLFER!!!

Yuzu: ...It's still good. And it has Zelloyd in it!

It's still weird how you're a Zelloyd fan and yet you help me write Kruan stuff.

Yuzu: That's all you write! Write some more Zelloyd fics! Write more dammit!

Because Zelloyd's awesome?

Yuzu: Fuck yeah.


	2. Lesson 2 Equanimity

Hey! I just wanna first give my thanks to Ranchdressing and accident-prone. And then to anyone else who's reading this but not reviewing. /Sad face/

Mr. Dollar-Store-T-Rex: This chaper isn't as funny as the previous one but, come on, this is only being written on a whim.

Shh! Shh! You're not suppose to tell them that!

* * *

Kratos sighed, stretching himself out on his bed. _Why haven't I killed myself yet?_ It's real easy to get bored in a room that you've been locked in for twenty-eight flipped through the pages of the new book. Lloyd pecked at a small trail of ants.

The sun seemed to just want to cook the auburn alive with a huge helping from the boredom. Being so high up in the air, one would figure that it would be cool. Lies. Yggdrasill had the oh, so, _brilliant_ idea to cast a spell around the castle to prevent any wind (except the occasional breeze) from hitting his "prized treasure."

The brown-eyed man hiked up his skirts to his waist in hopes of cooling himself down a bit.

"Ahh!" Lloyd hopped wildly on the small ledge. "Kratos! What are you doing?! That's not what a princess is suppose to do! My poor eyes! They burn!" And hid his face. "I'll never look at you the same way, dad!"

The prince had always considered the bird as his son in a strange sense. "Bark!" Came a distant cry from down below. The song bird tilted its head side-to-side quickly as he looked down over the edge. "Hey! It's Noishe!" And flew down.

The large green and white protozoan was pulled up and inside the tower room by the tiny bird.

Noishe immediately hopped on its master and started to give him drool filled kisses. The rosewood laughed as he tried to calm down his pet.

"What's in this, Noishe?" The bird chirped, pecking at the brown sack the dog-like creature had dropped. Noishe whined and barked at Lloyd. "He says the fucktard Yggdrasill told him to send it to you." The red blob translated to the human. "It's probable something shiney!" The bird hopped on its twiggy little legs. "Hurry! Hurry! Shiney is calling to me!"

Kratos open the bag and saw...

An ivory colored cotton dress.

"I think this day is trying to drive me crazy," He moaned and then fanned himself using the book. "Damn, it's hot."

Lloyd softly sighed, "No shiney..." And flew on the human's balloon shoulder. "Maybe you should change out of this," The bird punctuated his point by using one of his feet to tap on the sleeve.

"This is my least decorated and lightest dress, Lloyd."

"Maybe you should be nudey?"

"Never. Besides, you'll just freak out if I did."

"Well..." It looked at the piano-key white dress on the floor. "Put on the new dress! All the girlies in the country are wearing them! They say it keeps them cool!"

Kratos looked at the dress, unsure. And then slipped into it. He looked at himself in his full body mirror. The dress had tiny flowers cut into the fabric and was made to look like a porcelain doll's dress just slutitized: the front of the dress covered only half of the prince's legs--not even half, more like two-thirds of his mid-thighs. Any sudden movement or the slightest breeze would be enough for any lucky person to see his crotch. It grew dramatically longer as it wrapped around his body, the back almost reaching his calves. A large bow made of the same ivory-color tied it off. Layer after thin layer poofed up the dress making it "flow." Black ribbons and bows seemed to show up all around the dress, forming a "built-out" corset.

The rosewood continued to fan himself. The humidity in the castle was extremely high. He sat out on the ledge hoping for a slight breath of air.

---

The two with wings flew over the vast ocean that separated Sylvarant and Tethe'alla. They saw the war ships firing at each other. Mages casting spell after spell, bodies after bodies falling in the war worn ocean filled with debris and calamities. Smoke from burning ships hid the two.

Zelos looked down at the stupid humans and half-elves, with the occasional elf. Yuan looked up at the sky, going higher to breath easier. The red-head looked at the half-elf, knowing he didn't want anything to do with the war but, still, what royalty could just sit by and watch their subjects kill themselves and others for you, especially with what the war was about.

/Later/

"There it is." Zelos smiled, happy so that the wind didn't screw up his hair any farther then it already did.

The Prince of Sylvarrant looked up at the tower, and zipped upwards, catching a falling object.

---

Kratos wheezed as beads of sweat dripped down his face, his body drained of any strength to even twitch, never mind to pick up the book he dropped.

"...Os?" Lloyd spoke, muffled. He was flying in front of the human's face, beating his wings furiously to provide some wind for his father.

His vision was starting to black out.

"...**ATOS!**"His hair whipped around his face, feeling lighter then air, the world meshing together. And then a sudden stop.

His vision focused back enough to see green eyes before blacking out completely.

---

"..." Yuan looked down at Kratos, and then glanced over at his friend.

"..." Zelos combed his hair using his fingers. "Well..."

"DAD!!!" LLoyd screeched out as he zipped down, tiny feet trained towards the flying prince.

"What the hell--?!" And then screamed as the bird pulled on his pony tail with a large amount of force. "Mother fucker! Let go!" And swatted the bird.

Lloyd spun around before hitting the tower wall, peeling off slowly, and then falling towards the ground. Zelos decided to be the angel he was and caught the bird, cradling the tiny thing in the palm of his hands.

"What the hell was--?!" And was slammed to the ground by the large and heavy protozoan.

Noishe picked up his fallen master by the dress and tossed up, the human landing on its furry back.

Yuan spat out the leaves that had caught themselves in his teeth from the bush he had fallen in. _What the hell is that?!_

Kratos jolted awake, looking dazed and scared.

"I think this' yours," Zelos handed over the small bird, feet still not touching the ground (the red-head constantly bragged about how there was not a callous on his beautiful feet).

Kratos pulled a Claymore from out under his dress and snatched his child away, jumping off of Noishe. "Who the hell are you guys?!"

Yuan pulled out his double saber, stood up from his bush, and answered, "Prince Yuan Ka-fei of Sylvarrant."

Kratos lowered his sword a bit, looking at the blunet over and at his clothes. _Is that the kind of clothes princes really wear? Butler clothes??_

"So that's the prince!" Lloyd shrieked out, hopping back on his feet and then resting on one the points of the dress-wearing prince's hair. "Damn! You is so fucking girly!"

"Well, so is he." Yuan shot back in weak defence.

"Dad has a reason! Fucktard Yggdrasill only gives Kratos princess stuff! But dad thinks he should wear guy clothes--He was given up princess form!" Lloyd gossiped, the auburn covering half his face in his hand.

"Lloyd...You're not supose to tell everyone you meet about me..."

'Wait..." Zelos looked curiously at the prince. "You're the Prince of Tethe'alla?"

"I thought the King and Queen didn't have a child?" Yuan asked skeptically.

"Oh no," A voice said. "They very much had a child but they gave him up, believing he would surely cause their destruction." A blond person dressed up in a white outfit peeked out from a few bushes. Slate-green eyes looked at the small group. "Given up to a kind and forgiving wizard, only, they didn't know he was a necromancer."

* * *

Who is this mysterious person?! /Fake horror/ No...Really, who is it?? I have no idea...Review and then it might be revealed!!

Yuzu: I have a question, oh wise one!

Which I will happily answer.

Yuzu: How did Kratos pull a Claymore out his dress that makes him look like a baby hooker?

He learned that from a fellow captive: Princess Toadstool Peach of the Mushroom kingdom. Her dress is poofy not only because she keeps her legs spread. /Nod, nod/


End file.
